In the last year, I have had my highs and my lows. And for me, my lows almost caused me to end it all on more than one occassion. I have cried myself to sleep countless nights contemplating ending my life. I have felt like such a burden to my family and friends, that I thought I would be doing them a favor if I was no longer here. I have felt completely worthless. As my emotional health fell apart, my physical health soon followed. I found myself not sleeping; either I couldn't fall asleep, or if I did, I would wake up a few hours later wide awake. Or, I would sleep all day. I would find myself taking a coctail of pills hoping that maybe I could just fall asleep forever and things would be okay. I found myself eating everything I could find, and gaining too much weight to admit. I wasn't doing anything, but laying around the house or trying to distract myself with work or school. When I wasn't at work, I was deeply depressed and didn't know what to do. Gaining weight and being inactive, just made me feel worse. I was stuck in a vicious cycle and wasn't sure what to do.
One day I knew, I either needed to get help, or I would die. I thought since I was in the field, I would be able to cope. I mean I KNOW what to do. I've talked to clients about suicide and how there is so much to live for. I've sacrificed a lot to get into the mental health field in order to prevent other people from committing suicide, but I didn't know how to help myself. And worse, I came to the point that I really believed that no one cared. I really felt like I would be doing people a favor as I was such a burden. Luckily, there was something in me that finally admitted I couldn't do it alone; that my decision was to go to the ER, or get into some sort of treatment, and that's what I did.
Due to stigma and my career, I decided to get mental health treatment through my insurance. I have gone to counseling. I see a psychiatrist. I have gone to a Depression and Anxiety Group, and I have to admit, the group helped more than I would ever imagined. And, now, I still have bad days, really bad days, but I know things are slowly changing. I am working out again and eating better. I have started to do things I like to do again. I am going out, contacting friends and trying to live the life that I know I deserve to live. For years, I stopped doing things since I didn't have anyone to do them with. But, people are there, you just have to ask. And, I am realizing it is okay to do things alone. And, it's weird, I am happier. I don't mind that I am alone. I know my life isn't perfect and that I still have a ways to go to hit my goals, but I can see that progress is being made. And people around me can also see the change.
My life story could have ended really badly. If I hadn't gotten help, it probably would have ended already. I hope that people know help is there. People, like me, get into this field in order to help others that are struggling. And, it is okay to ask for help. If you ever get to the point I was in, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255, or contact me. Together, let's stop the stigma associated in asking for help in order to stop this epidemic. #SABD13 #WSPD13
USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.
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