5 Year Plan

One of the things that I do with clients is create goals.  When they first come into the program, we sit with them and make short and long term goals.  Then, every time we meet we set small tasks that eventually lead to completion of the larger goal.  Right now, my life is a little chaotic and I often don't feel like I am working towards the larger goals that I would like to achieve.  So, I am making a 5 year plan.  The hope is to work on all my goals and slowly accomplish each long term goal.  I know some will take longer than others, but hopefully writing them out will give me guidance and a purpose.  My goals are going to focus on five realms, one for each year.  They are: career, health, family, financial and home. 

Career:  One thing I have been doing is working on my education which will lead to my goal of finding a job I love.  I want to continue my education and graduate in April.  My ultimate goal is to become a licensed social worker and find a rewarding career making a difference.  Right now, I don't know where that will be but I will go through the doors that open for me and find a job where I fit.  Goal: become a licensed social worker.

Health:  I need to become healthier both mentally and physically.  Right now, due to my work and school schedule, my health is at an all time low.  I know that I need to start eating better and working out consistently.  Also, I sometimes feel that if I was a better runner, I would be able to connect to my parents better.  It's what they enjoy and maybe if I was healthier they would be more proud of me.  I also know that I need to start managing my mental health better as well.  Especially getting into the social work field, I know that self care is critical and have not been coping well.  Overall, I know that being healthier will effect my life positively in more than one area of living.  Goal: Run a marathon.

Family:  I want to have a family of my own.  And, I don't want to not have a family just because I am single.  So, once I get more financially settled and finish my education, I want to start looking at options to become a mother.  As of now, I have taken all of the required courses to be a foster parent, so it is just a matter of if I want to foster, adopt, or try and have one of my own.  I know this is a HUGE decision and will need careful consideration, but at the same time I know that I want to be a parent.  Goal: Be a mom.

Financial:  I haven't always been the best with my finances and this is something that I need to work on.  I know that I want to start being more financially stable as I will need to repay my student loans and would like to eventually be able to get a new car and be financially comfortable.  I also want to look at the long-long-term and start planning for my retirement again.  Goal: Stop living paycheck to paycheck. 

Home:  I know it may be sometime before I can purchase home again, but it is something that I ultimately want to do.  In the meantime, I want to get out of my apartment living and live in a house again.  I know that Zeus, Clubber and Rocky all miss having a yard, and I would like to live somewhere where I am happy to come home to at the end of the day.  It would also be nice to live in a place where I feel safe.  Goal: Move into a home. 

Me

I often times wonder if I will ever learn to accept myself.  I wish I could wake up in the morning and not hate the person looking back at me.  I have been trying to be aware of what I want.  For so long, I think that I made choices based on what other people wanted for me, or what I felt like I was expected to do.  I think I am so scared of letting people down and being a failure that I am confused about who I truly am.  I am trying to learn to live for myself and not for other people so I can figure out who I am.  I hope that with this insight, I will be able to accept myself better.

So, what is it that I like and what I want?  I don't know and that is the hard thing.  I just want to be happy so that is my focus.  Everyday, I am trying to make the most of my time and be happy.  But, that is still hard.  Now, I am trying to scrapbook more which I enjoy and I am stopping all my excuses for lack of motivation so I can go to the gym daily.  I know when I work out, I am happy.  I enjoy exercise and it makes me feel good so I should do it more.  That is my goals for now.  I just want to learn to accept myself and not depend on other people to make me happy.  I  know that there is a long journey in front of me, but at least there is some hope that one day things will be better than they are today.

Happy New Year!

 Happy New Year!  I tried to get a normal picture with Andrew, but that proved impossible.  I rang in the new year hanging out with him at work and people watching.  It's nice to know people because some drunk lady tried to get in my face about something (I still don't remember what) and the next thing I knew I had a big native and a Samoan by my side.  They said no one should mess with Andrew's girl...how cute.  Overall it was a fun night.  I did realize that I missed the memo to wear red and dress slutty.  Now, it's time to start a new year and see how things turn out.  I will just try to live one day at a time and word towards making the most out of everyday.  The agenda for today: pick up prints at Walmart for scrapbook, walk Zeus and make a healthy dinner.  That shouldn't be too hard, right???

Goodbye 2010...hello 2011!

It's weird looking back at the year.  I can't believe how quickly 2010 has come and gone.  A lot has changed in the last 365 days.  For me, 2010 had some great highs and some horrible lows.  It was a memorable, life-changing year that I will always remember.  Right now, thinking back, I remember 2010 for the lows that I suffered.

It sucks that the bad times stick out so much more than the good times.  I hope that someday I will be able to remember the good times better than the bad times.  But, right now, I am not in that place.  When I think about the last year, it is the bad things that stick out.  I guess it is my thinking though and I should focus on the good, and try to learn from the bad.

For the good, I can say that 2010 changed my life in many ways.  For one, I have learned that it is okay to lean on your family when needed.  They have been there to support me through all the changes I have been dealing with and haven't judged me for choices that I have made.  Also, I have grown closer to my family members as we have completed runs together.  The first was in June when I crossed the finish line in my first half-marathon with my dad.  It was a great run with my mom waiting for us at the finish line and Greg, Debbie and Trinity there to cheer us on.  I also was able to cross a few things off my bucket list including skydiving.

As the new year begins, I don't want to make any new year's resolutions as they always fail, but I want to make a new year's life style change.  I want to focus on working out more and eating right.  When I do that, I feel better about myself.  I have another half marathon in March to prepare for and know that exercise helps my moods as well.  I know in order to survive another year, I need to figure out what makes me happy and do that.  For now, my only goals will be to focus on my training, eat right, walk Zeus more and scrapbook my memories.  That shouldn't be too hard, right?  And hopefully by figuring out and doing what I love, I will be able to have a better 2011! And when I write about the year in review in another 365 days, it will be easy to think of all the good and hard to think about the bad...

Christmas Cheer

Normally, Christmas time is my favorite time of year.  I like the crispness of the air, the happy decorations and spending time picking out the perfect gifts for people.  It's the one holiday I would decorate the house and enjoy the feeling of love that surrounds Christmas.  Getting bundled up and going from store to store enjoying the sights and sounds used to be something I looked forward to.

I have a feeling this year, the holiday season is going to be hard for me to get through.  I already hate going to the stores where Christmas items are out.  I am trying to accept the fact that I won't have a tree and probably won't set out my decorations.  What's the point of decorating if there is no one here to celebrate with?  Why put up a tree if there aren't going to be presents to put under it?  My normal excitement for seeing the first hints of Christmas is completely gone.  Now, it brings me pain knowing that I will be spending the majority of the season alone.  I know for the actual day, I will see my parents and grandma like normal.  However, the rest of the time, it will just be Zeus and me at home.  I think this is one of those things people don't think about when they separate.  I knew that I would be single, but I never thought about being alone for the holidays.  I didn't think about how this season would be difficult to get through until now...

Book Smart

I have always been books smart.  I am not trying to brag, but school has always come easy for me and I feel like I have a fair amount of "common" sense (which really isn't too common anymore these days).  I have never had a problem of being taught a new idea or concept and then not being able to remember it for a test. I test well.  Anyways, let me get to my point, even though I feel I am decently book smart, I don't think I am "me" smart.

I guess it's hard to explain but does make total sense in my head.  Right now, I know what I need to do.  I know that my total lack of self-esteem severely affects my everyday life and relationships.  From getting out of bed in the morning (versus laying in it all day) to understanding why anyone would want to hang out or be seen with me (which is a irrational feeling since I do have some great friends), I know that the fact I hate myself causes issues in my life.  I know that I need to learn to love myself.  But how do you do this?

It's not like I can go to the library or bookstore and find a text book next to the calculus and biology books that will teach me how to love myself.  It's not something that I can easily learn, but I know that it is something I need to learn in order to move on with a happy life.  My mom says, "everyone deserves to be happy" and I know in the long run I won't ever be able to be truly happy until I can look in the mirror and not cringe at the person looking back at me.

Since my divorce, I am trying to find out what makes me happy.  My whole life I have put walls up and haven't let many people see the real me.  Most people look at me and would assume that I don't suffer from a lack of self-esteem.  I put on a mask at school and when I go out so people won't see the pain in my eyes.  For so long I tried to be someone else.  Instead of being me, I was my husband's wife.  Now, I need to learn to be me and do things that make me happy....but, this all goes back to the fact that I can't be truly happy until I can learn to love myself.

Step one in my new life has to be learning to love myself.  And, I really need help to do this.  I know it's not something that will happen overnight, but right now, I don't even know where to start.  I know for the time being, I want to do little things like eat healthier and workout a little more.  I also enjoy reading, but know this activity isolates me from the world.  I am not sure that the best way to deal with self-hatred is by spending all my free time alone when I escape into the world of my books.  I guess I need to give this more thought....My first goal will be to love myself.  I will try to figure out a plan of attack on how to accomplish this goal and then try to do my homework everyday and hopefully, eventually, I will be able to learn love.