Skydiving

Ok, I know I have been HORRIBLE at blogging lately.  I swear, I want to start doing it more regularly again.  So, starting today, I am going to TRY and blog more often.

Anyways, today was a TON of fun.  Tomorrow is my cousin  Dylan's 19th birthday and for his birthday he wanted to go skydiving.  My mom checked into it and signed us up to jump out of a plane today for his birthday.  We made reservations for Skydive Snohomish for noon.

There were only three instructors today, so we had to go up in different planes.  My mom and I were in the first plane, while Dylan and his friend Mike went up after us.  I was paired up with the only girl instructor, Sonya.  Once we were all harnessed in, we hopped into the plane and started our ascent to 13,500 feet.

I was a little worried that it would be scary when you had to sit with your feet hanging outside the plane right before you jumped, but it actually wasn't that bad.  And once we were in the air, it didn't even feel like you were falling, more like you were just floating.  The views were amazing too.  You could see Mt Baker, Mt Rainier, Seattle and the islands.  I tried to take in as much as possible as we were falling.

Once we felt the jerk of the parachute, Sonya mentioned that was a good thing; it meant the chute opened.  We then were able to glide fairly close to my mom and talk a little as we floated back to the ground.  I was a little nervous that I would get nauseous but luckily didn't until about ten seconds before we landed.  Overall, it was an incredible experience and I glad I am able to check that off my list.

To see all the pictures I took, check out my flickr site.

Seattle Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 Marathon Weekend

Last year, my mom and I came up with the idea that it would be fun to train and participate in a 1/2 marathon.   My cousin Greg trained both my parents and me to run in the Seattle Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 marathon starting last July.  However, with everything that was going on in my life at the beginning of the year, I fell off the training schedule.  Both my parents stayed dedicated to their workouts and we all were able to finish the race on Saturday and enjoyed a great few days in Seattle.

On Thursday, my friend Andrew drove me up to Seattle to meet my parents so we could check into the race.  The check-in was at the Qwest Field Event Center and after we picked up our bibs, we walked through and checked out all the vendors that were there.  Then, we headed down to my house and tried to relax for the remainder of the night.

On Friday, we left my house fairly early to pick-up Greg, Debbie and Trinity at the airport.  Once we got them, we headed into the city and found a little spot for breakfast.  Then, we walked quickly through Pike's Place market before heading back to the event center since we thought Greg and Debbie would like to look through the vendors (which they did).  After we were done there, we drove to the Westin in downtown Seattle and checked into the hotel.  My parents and I walked and found a little place for lunch and when we returned to the hotel, I took Trinity swimming in the indoor pool.  The weather was a little overcast and cold, so it was nice the pool was indoors.  For dinner, we walked to Pacific Place and ate at Gordon Birsch.  Since we had the race on Saturday, we all went to bed early on Friday night.

We had to get up bright and early on Saturday in order to take quick showers and leave the hotel by 5:30 to get dropped off for the race on time.  We got to the starting line in perfect time and were able to stand in a huge line for the bathrooms before finding our corral.  I snuck into corral 32 with my parents and we didn't cross the starting line until about 7:50 (the first corral left at 7:00).  For the first mile, I ran with my mom, but due to my total lack of training, I couldn't keep up with her for long so had to slow down my pace.  Luckily, by mile 2, my dad had caught up with me and so we ran together.

The race started near South Center mall in Tukwila, went along Lake Washington, across the carpool lanes on I-90, onto the Alaskan Way viaduct and finally ended at Qwest Field.  My dad and I jogged together until about mile marker 8 when I had to take a bathroom break.  It was a bummer that we had to wait in line but I couldn't hold it much longer.  Then, we continued on and were able to jog until about the I-90 tunnel around mile 9.  We were both getting a little sore and starting to hurt.  At mile 10, we started to jog again as we knew we were getting closer.  All I know is mile 11 and 12 were the longest two miles of my life.  My dad and I were able to cross the finish line together and managed to have the same exact time of 3:09:59.  My mom finished about a half hour ahead of us at 2:36:33.

I was really happy with my results.  I know that if I had kept up on my training, I would have done much better.  But, I didn't and I think that I did really good compared to what I anticipated.  I really thought I would finish closer to the 3:45 mark and part of me was worried that I wouldn't be able to finish at all.  I am glad that my dad and I were able to run together as he gave me motivation and I think it made the time pass faster.

After we crossed the finish line, we all got our finisher shirts.  Greg and Debbie took our medals and had our name and times engraved on the back which turned out really nice.  Right after the race, my butt muscles were really sore and Greg said that was a good thing since it means I engage those muscles when I run.  Now, a day later, my quadriceps are the sorest part on me.  I also had a little blistering on one of my toes and the nail is sore now.  I am hoping I won't loose the nail.

When we got back to the hotel after the run, we took quick showers and decided to pick up a bite to eat at the deli in the hotel.  Then, we went up to the hot tub and tried to soak a little.  Luckily, the sun waited  to come out after the race, so after a few minutes in the hot tub, I sat outside on the patio and enjoyed some sun (as well as a margarita).  After relaxing at the pool, my parents, Trinity, and I walked to Starbucks to get a coffee and then back at the hotel room, Trinity gave me a pedicure that included a foot and leg massage.

We made reservations at Ipanema for dinner.  It was really fun.  The restaurant is a Brazilian place where they walk around with 18 different meats on skewers and slice off thin pieces for you to eat.  It also had a standard type buffet with different salads and side dishes to compliment the meat.  It was fun to try all the different food and everything the served was really good.  On the way home from dinner, we stopped at the chocolate store and had some gelato.  When we got back to the hotel, my mom and I took another quick dip in the hot tub before heading to bed.  We were all a little tired from the busy day and so went to bed early again.

On Sunday morning, we took our time getting up and packing our stuff.  My parents and I walked about a block to a little diner for breakfast.  Then, we headed down to Pike's Place in hopes of getting some mini donuts.  To our surprise though, the mini donut place we closed.  My mom and I were both really bummed.  When we got back to the hotel, we finished packing and then checked out.  Greg and Debbie decided to take the hotel shuttle to the airport and my parents gave me a ride home.  We all had a great weekend and I am really proud of my parents and myself for our accomplishments.  Now, the only question is when is the next run?

NAMI Walk

Today I participated in the National Alliance for Mental Illness 5k walk at Magnusen Park in Seattle with my mom and some friends from school .  The walk itself was no where near 5k as we finished in about a half an hour and were walking fairly slow.  But, it was a beautiful day in Seattle and I was able to enjoy it among friends.

After the walk, my mom and I had lunch at Uwajimaya and did a little shopping.  When we got back to my house, we did hours of yard work.  Now, my yard looks a lot better than it did previously.  We even went to the store and got some annuals to add some more color to my garden.  All I have to do now is get some vegetables to plant.

Mother's Day

For Mother's Day, I went up to spend the weekend in Ferndale with my parents.  On Friday, I met my mom and grandma for lunch in Ferndale at the thai restaurant.  It was delicious as always.  After eating, we went to the nursery and got some annuals for their garden.  We spent the afternoon at my parents house enjoying the sunshine.  For dinner, we went down to CJ's Beach House in Birch Bay.  The tide was out and the view was really pretty.

On Saturday, I volunteered to help my mom at the annual plant sale at Hovander Park for the master gardeners.  I helped with the checkout in the morning and assisted with the tomatoes, where my mom was working, in the afternoon.  After a long day in the sun there, we went back to the house and barbecued hamburgers for dinner.

On Sunday, Mother's Day, my dad and I made breakfast for my mom.  After eating, I did some work on my car that included changing the oil, replacing the fog light, trimming the ends of my roof rack and washing the inside and outside.  I am really happy with how clean it turned out.  It's nice to drive a clean car.  After cleaning my car, I also vacuumed my mom's Jeep.

In the afternoon, my grandma and Ed came over.  I had asked my mom what she wanted for dinner and her reply was, "barbecued hot dogs".  Perfect, I can totally do that.  So, for dinner, we had hot dogs, potato salad, chili and jello.  It was nice to be able to spend the weekend with my parents.  It was nice to get away for a while and I am really glad we had amazing weather.

Things are looking up...

Overall, things are going well today.  I have been in the market for a new motorcycle and put down a deposit this afternoon for a 2008 Yamaha FZ6 with just over 2,000 miles on it.  I can't wait to pick it up tomorrow afternoon and start riding again.

Life v Death

Wrote this yesterday in class:

Nobody knows my pain.  There is too much suffering going on within me.  I wonder how long I will last...

I wish there was an easy answer to life.  I just don't know where to go from here.  Things are so hard right now...  I just am trying to make it through the day.  Everyday is a struggle.  Everyday I am battling between life and death.  Do I want to live my life or choose death and live my life for someone else?  I can go back to my old life, but that would be choosing death.  I just don't know if I am ready or able to live my life.  It's something I haven't done for so long, if ever, and that is what scares me.  I don't know who I am.  I have been playing the role of someone else for so long, I don't know how I can be myself.  I don't know who I am.  I have always tried to be the person others wanted me to be.  I don't think I ever developed my true self.  I don't know who that person is.

Fear

I fear I may have made the biggest mistake of my life...

I don't know why I am so sad tonight, but I am.  I am sad and scared.  I am scared of being alone and hate walking into an empty house.  I know that part of this ordeal will be learning to live independently and be happy with myself.  I know that I need to work on my self confidence and self esteem as these were two major issues during my marriage.  I know that I was unhappy for a while being married, but now fear maybe that was as good as it would get.  How do I know it was the marriage that was making me unhappy and not just me?!

I wish there was a way I could see into the future.  I wish I could see possible outcomes to various options and choose the one that works out the best.  But, that is not the way life works.  I know that I have to live with the decision that I have made as too much has been said and done, that there is no way to turn back.  I am just so scared and feel so alone right now.

Getting better

I think things are slowly starting to get better.  Terry is completely moved out of the house and last night I put new locks on the doors.  I am not really worried about him coming into the house, but at least now, I know that NO ONE else has a copy of my house keys but me.  When we moved here, we never changed the locks so in theory someone else could have a copy of the key somewhere.

We had a few BAD days last week, but I got through those.  It's weird being here by myself.  Well, I have Zeus, but he isn't the best conversationalist.   My weekend self care class has been nice as we are learning about stress and how to cope with it and it has taken my mind off of the reality of my life.  It's nice to be at school as it causes me to forget about the chaos that surrounds me.

I am still not sure what is going on with the house.  I don't want a foreclosure.  I am going to call the bank tomorrow and see about getting an adjustment on my mortgage.  If they can reduce the mortgage some and I can get a roommate(s), then maybe I won't be able to loose the house.  If not, then I am thinking about doing a short sale.  The only thing is: Terry said he won't sign off on anything.  He just wants to take the foreclosure.  So, it may just be time to get a lawyer if he doesn't agree to something.

Besides all that, things are going ok.  I am having issues focusing on school in general and am lucky that I have easy classes this quarter.  Hopefully by the time I get hard classes again, all of this will be behind me and I will be able to focus better.  I am trying to figure out a better schedule for school, volunteering and working out.  I know that I need to start hitting the gym again or at least walking again.  It will help me all around.  I am making some friends at school which is nice as I know that I need some.  Terry got most of the friends in the divorce and considering I worked from home for the first 2 years of living here, haven't really made any until now. At least I am getting some now.  My family has also been very supportive.

So, until next time, that is all.  I need to finish some homework now.  I will try to write more often as I think that journaling is a good way for me to express myself and cope with what is going on around me.

Rollercoaster

It seems like my emotions are on a roller coaster ride these last few days.  Things will be going great and I will be happy, then the next moment, it feels like the ground has dropped out from beneath me.  It's really hard... I wish things would level out and this ride would be over, but I don't see that happening for at least another few months.  The hard thing about what I am dealing with now is that I don't know if the ride will end, when it will end and at what elevation.  I hope in the long run things end on a high note, but the future is uncertain.  My biggest fear is that I will live in misery forever.  I got on this ride to get out of living a life of unhappiness and would if where this chaos ends is in a worse position than when I started... I don't know if I can live like that...

Confusion

It seems like I can't concentrate on anything these days.  This must be how people with ADD or ADHD feel all the time.  I will be trying to do a simple task and suddenly my mind just starts to wonder.  It's even worse when I am trying to do homework and halfway through a paragraph I am reading I will realize I have no clue what the chapter is about.  I really hope that my grades don't suffer.  At least I have some easy classes this quarter, only one will really needs my focus when to get the work done.  There is just so much on my mind all the time, that it does make it hard to prioritize my thoughts and keep the little things that don't matter out.

Last night, I went out with some girls from school.  It was nice to relax with the ladies and have a couple drinks.  I think it's important that I try and make friends right now since I know I need the support and Terry got all our church friends and the 4-wheel drive club.  Besides school, the only friends I really have now live a few states away.  And when you really need someone, I am finding it's hard when there is really no one to turn too.  At least I still have the support of my parents and know that I could turn to them at any time of the day and they would be there.

We started talking about who gets what.  It's weird.  I don't know what I want to keep and what I am willing to let go.  I guess I will just have to see how this all plays out.  Right now, I am still living in the house and he says he will be moving out sometime towards the end of the month to a place closer to his work.  We will end up walking away from the house, which sucks, but there is NO way I can afford the mortgage payment and with the market, we owe more than it's worth.  I will try to contact the mortgage company in May to find out my options and hopefully get a little apartment before the foreclosure hits my credit.   This is all happening so fast...