This is my story...#SABD13 #WSPD13

I've been thinking about blogging again, and figured today would be a good day to start.  In the last year, I have accomplished a lot.  I graduated from USC with my MSW with a mental health concentration and military subconcentration.  I have gotten a job working at a community mental health center in King County.  I am a Licenesed Associate Independent Social Worker completing my required hours in order to complete my licensure.  I have been rewarded with my work, knowing that I make a difference in the people's life I come into contact with.  And, I have also battled with depression and suicide. 

In the last year, I have had my highs and my lows.  And for me, my lows almost caused me to end it all on more than one occassion.  I have cried myself to sleep countless nights contemplating ending my life.  I have felt like such a burden to my family and friends, that I thought I would be doing them a favor if I was no longer here.  I have felt completely worthless.  As my emotional health fell apart, my physical health soon followed.  I found myself not sleeping; either I couldn't fall asleep, or if I did, I would wake up a few hours later wide awake.  Or, I would sleep all day.  I would find myself taking a coctail of pills hoping that maybe I could just fall asleep forever and things would be okay.  I found myself eating everything I could find, and gaining too much weight to admit.  I wasn't doing anything, but laying around the house or trying to distract myself with work or school.  When I wasn't at work, I was deeply depressed and didn't know what to do.   Gaining weight and being inactive, just made me feel worse.  I was stuck in a vicious cycle and wasn't sure what to do. 

One day I knew, I either needed to get help, or I would die.  I thought since I was in the field, I would be able to cope.  I mean I KNOW what to do.  I've talked to clients about suicide and how there is so much to live for.  I've sacrificed a lot to get into the mental health field in order to prevent other people from committing suicide, but I didn't know how to help myself.  And worse, I came to the point that I really believed that no one cared.  I really felt like I would be doing people a favor as I was such a burden.  Luckily, there was something in me that finally admitted I couldn't do it alone; that my decision was to go to the ER, or get into some sort of treatment, and that's what I did.

Due to stigma and my career, I decided to get mental health treatment through my insurance.  I have gone to counseling.  I see a psychiatrist.  I have gone to a Depression and Anxiety Group, and I have to admit, the group helped more than I would ever imagined.  And, now, I still have bad days, really bad days, but I know things are slowly changing.  I am working out again and eating better.  I have started to do things I like to do again.  I am going out, contacting friends and trying to live the life that I know I deserve to live.  For years, I stopped doing things since I didn't have anyone to do them with.  But, people are there, you just have to ask.    And, I am realizing it is okay to do things alone.  And, it's weird, I am happier.  I don't mind that I am alone.  I know my life isn't perfect and that I still have a ways to go to hit my goals, but I can see that progress is being made.  And people around me can also see the change. 

My life story could have ended really badly.  If I hadn't gotten help, it probably would have ended already.  I hope that people know help is there.  People, like me, get into this field in order to help others that are struggling.  And, it is okay to ask for help.  If you ever get to the point I was in, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255, or contact me.  Together, let's stop the stigma associated in asking for help in order to stop this epidemic.   #SABD13 #WSPD13


USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.

5 Year Plan

One of the things that I do with clients is create goals.  When they first come into the program, we sit with them and make short and long term goals.  Then, every time we meet we set small tasks that eventually lead to completion of the larger goal.  Right now, my life is a little chaotic and I often don't feel like I am working towards the larger goals that I would like to achieve.  So, I am making a 5 year plan.  The hope is to work on all my goals and slowly accomplish each long term goal.  I know some will take longer than others, but hopefully writing them out will give me guidance and a purpose.  My goals are going to focus on five realms, one for each year.  They are: career, health, family, financial and home. 

Career:  One thing I have been doing is working on my education which will lead to my goal of finding a job I love.  I want to continue my education and graduate in April.  My ultimate goal is to become a licensed social worker and find a rewarding career making a difference.  Right now, I don't know where that will be but I will go through the doors that open for me and find a job where I fit.  Goal: become a licensed social worker.

Health:  I need to become healthier both mentally and physically.  Right now, due to my work and school schedule, my health is at an all time low.  I know that I need to start eating better and working out consistently.  Also, I sometimes feel that if I was a better runner, I would be able to connect to my parents better.  It's what they enjoy and maybe if I was healthier they would be more proud of me.  I also know that I need to start managing my mental health better as well.  Especially getting into the social work field, I know that self care is critical and have not been coping well.  Overall, I know that being healthier will effect my life positively in more than one area of living.  Goal: Run a marathon.

Family:  I want to have a family of my own.  And, I don't want to not have a family just because I am single.  So, once I get more financially settled and finish my education, I want to start looking at options to become a mother.  As of now, I have taken all of the required courses to be a foster parent, so it is just a matter of if I want to foster, adopt, or try and have one of my own.  I know this is a HUGE decision and will need careful consideration, but at the same time I know that I want to be a parent.  Goal: Be a mom.

Financial:  I haven't always been the best with my finances and this is something that I need to work on.  I know that I want to start being more financially stable as I will need to repay my student loans and would like to eventually be able to get a new car and be financially comfortable.  I also want to look at the long-long-term and start planning for my retirement again.  Goal: Stop living paycheck to paycheck. 

Home:  I know it may be sometime before I can purchase home again, but it is something that I ultimately want to do.  In the meantime, I want to get out of my apartment living and live in a house again.  I know that Zeus, Clubber and Rocky all miss having a yard, and I would like to live somewhere where I am happy to come home to at the end of the day.  It would also be nice to live in a place where I feel safe.  Goal: Move into a home. 

Life in Transition

I can't believe this year is coming to an end. It seemed that 2012 went by so fast, yet so slowly at the same time.  So much has changed in the last year and I feel that I am in a major transitional period in my life.  I am discontent where I am now, but know things will keep changing. For me, this year is all about change.
 
A lot has changed in the last year.  I started my MSW program at USC.  So far, it is going really well and I am still enjoying it.  I completed 3 semesters last year and have one more semester to go before I graduate.  I should be done with the program in April 2013 and will graduate in May.  I hope to be able to go down and walk for graduation and meet some of my fellow classmates.

Work has been chaotic throughout the year.  I went through countless jobs trying to find something that allowed me to make some extra money during the school year, but allowed me enough flexibility for my classes and internship. It was hard to find something that fit into my schedule and provided sufficiently for me financially.  I finally found something that seems to be working.

At the end of October, Bary, housing manager at Drexel House, contacted me stating they had a part time, temporary job opening.  He remembered when I left there after my initial internship that I mentioned if he ever had work, to let me know.  I got hired as a Resident Coordinator for 16 hours a week, plus on call.  The on call would be if people were sick, or on vacation, then my hours would increase.  I took the job and soon after started my internship there again as well since USC had failed to place me. On top of that, another of the RC's quite fairly soon after I got hired.  So, my 16+ hour a week job is now more like 40+ hours a week. 

So, this is my life, I work about 40 hours a week, mostly graveyard.  Then, I intern between 20-24 hours a week at Drexel House as well.  The graveyard shift is nice since it is midnight - 8:00 am during the week, and midnight to noon on weekends.  I am getting at least 40 hours a week and the best part is, I am able to do my schoolwork while at work since people are sleeping when I get here.  Unless something happens, the nights are mostly quiet, and I don't have a lot of required work to do, so it does give me time to study.  Without being able to study, there would be no way I would be able to keep this work load.  And, some things will change in January.  Then, a new worker will be hired.  I will be moved to 28 hours + on call as a part time, permanent employee.

So, I guess that is it.  Things are still chaotic and I don't know where my future will take me.  What I do know is that I will finish school in a few months, and then look for a full time job utilizing my degree.  I want to change my life as overall, I am not as happy as I should be.  My first goal will be finishing school and finding a job.  I know that won't happen for a few months, so in the interim, I will focus on making other changes in my life that will ultimately help lead to some long term goals I have established. 

Update

I know, once again, I have been horrible at updating my blog.  I need to do it more because even if no one else reads it, journalling is really good for me.  It helps me organize my thoughts and gives me an outlet to express myself.  A lot has been happening.  I am just about finished with my second semester at USC.  I have two more days at my internship, and two more papers to submit before the semester is officially over.  I start the back again on Sept 5 for fall semester.  I'm about halfway done with the program and can't wait for my May 2013 graduation.  I love my internship at Drexel House and have met some amazing people.  I am anxious to learn where my next placement will be. 

During my roughly two weeks off, I am planning a little road trip to CA to visit friends and family.  I was notified about two and a half weeks ago that a childhood friend, Mojo, had a stroke so I want to head down and visit her.  She's been in the ICU at Stanford for the last couple weeks.  I would have loved to go down sooner, but know that waiting for my break was best.

I'm also excited that I will be working at the Puyallup Fair again this year.  I did it last year and it was a ton of fun.  This year, I am working six days a week in the face painting and fair hair book that my friend runs.  I am excited for the work there to make a little money and work with some great ladies and gentlemen. 

Besides that, things are about the same.  I can't believe that I am halfway through my masters program! It's hard to believe that I have made it this far and I am excited to see what the future may hold.

Inaugural Portland Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 Marathon

On Sunday, May 20, 2012, I completed the Inaugural Portland Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 Marathon in Portland, Oregon, with my parents.  We decided to head down to Portland on Saturday morning in order to attend the expo and pick-up our race packets.  After the expo, we headed down to find the Big Ass Sandwich truck for lunch.  The sandwiches online looked amazing, and we were a little disappointed at them in person as there wasn't quite enough meat.

After checking into our hotel, we walked down to the Portland Saturday Market that was a short walk away and close to the start line of the race.  We got lucky with having a sunny day on Saturday and enjoyed the sun as much as we could.  For dinner, we got to see Rick and Sandy Bowen.  It was fun catching up with long-time family friends and we enjoyed a great meal at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  After dinner, my mom and I decided to take a short walk and ended up at VooDoo Donuts.

We were lucky with a late race start on Sunday and our hotel was only a couple blocks from the start line.  We were unlucky in the fact that it started raining around mile 3 and rained the rest of the race.  I am always amazed by how diverse the courses are.  We went through some not so nice industrial areas, some cute retail/commercial districts, and some expensive residential neighborhoods.  The other downfall of Portland was that it felt like it was uphill THE WHOLE TIME.  I know it wasn't, but there was a lot of gradual uphills and just a couple, fairly steep downhill sections.  My time wasn't great, but it wasn't my worse either.  However, in all the pictures, I look totally pissed off, so I need to make sure to smile more during the next run so I don't look so miserable.

After the race, we ended up back at the outdoor market for lunch.  My mom and I shared African food while my dad had a pulled pork sandwich.  Overall, we had a great trip.  I really enjoyed Portland and can understand why people would want to move there.  I would really like to go back there for a weekend in which we didn't have a race and could just enjoy the city a little more without having to go to bed early and being very careful about our nutrition prior to the run.

School

I made it through my first semester of graduate school at USC.  I can't believe I am about a quarter through my masters program already.  My first semester went well.  I took 17 credits and managed a 3.49.  I anticipate doing better this semester as I know what to expect and how to best manage my time.

Now, I am into the fourth week of my second semester.  I have the same professors as last semester which is nice as I already know what to expect from them.  So far, things are going well.  I am at the same internship and still really enjoy it.  I am glad that I have an internship that I look forward to and not one that I dread going to.  Next semester, I will have a new internship for my concentration year.  I can't wait to find out where I will be for my last two semesters.

Tattoo Time

One way I can relax and blow of some steam is by getting tattooed. Right now, Mike at Black Tortoise Tattoo in Lacey, WA, is working on my arm.  Here are  a couple of in process pictures and I will post more soon.

Mason Jar Salad

Today I decided to make Mason Jar Salads.  The idea is simple put all the ingredients of salad in a jar for easy and quick meals.  First, the dressing went on the bottom, then vegetables and finally lettuce.  I used two types of dressing and picked my favorite healthy salad toppings.  I also used a lot of spinach versus lettuce.  Overall, I made eight jars and figure I spent about ten dollars on ingredients.  It will be interesting to see how long these will last.  I hope it works out for me and am already excited thinking about how the ingredients can change as the season progresses and I can include fresh ingredients from the garden.

Quick Update

I know it's been awhile. I have the best intentions to update my blog often, but that never seems to happen. Midterms are over and were a success. For the two weeks where I had eight papers due, I basically became a hermit. Now since that is over, I am back to the routine of things. I have about another month before this semester is over. I can't believe I am almost done with my first semester of my master's program. Only three more and I graduate. I don't think April 2013 can come soon enough.

My internship is going GREAT. It is so much better than I would have ever anticipated. I love the people I work with. both the clients and the staff. Last night, the agency celebrated it's 5 year anniversary. In the 5 years, they have served about 625 people, and that doesn't include the 56 people that are currently residents. Of those people, 74% successful move from our agency to a home of their own. The mayor was there last night and said:
“In order to serve the chronically homeless in our region, we need three Drexel Houses"
“This facility is the best example of federal, state and local collaboration that we have in the entire region"
You can read the entire story that was published in the Olympian here.

Besides that, things are about the same I guess.  Oh, I am still tutoring at Sylvan Learning Center and just picked up more hours which is exiting.  It's so fun to work with the kids.  Plus, my friend hired me to work at Portrait People at South Center Mall.  It's nice because she is working around my schedule but kind of sucks because it is a heck of a comute.  But, it is nice to get a little extra money here and there.  So, as you probably guess, right now, my life is consumed by school, my internship and work.

I will try really hard to post more and hopefully I really will this time!

Internship

I was just notified this morning of my foundation year field placement.  I am going to be doing my internship hours at the Drexel House which was created by Catholic Community Services to aid in providing emergency, transitional and permanent housing to the chronically homeless in Thurston County. I called this morning and set up my pre-placement visit for tomorrow afternoon.  I am definitely excited, but also a little nervous about starting.  I will be doing about 20 hours a week there over the next two semesters and know that working with the homeless population will definitely open my eyes to their needs.  It will be interesting working with this group as I don't have a lot of experience with that yet.