I fear I may have made the biggest mistake of my life...
I don't know why I am so sad tonight, but I am. I am sad and scared. I am scared of being alone and hate walking into an empty house. I know that part of this ordeal will be learning to live independently and be happy with myself. I know that I need to work on my self confidence and self esteem as these were two major issues during my marriage. I know that I was unhappy for a while being married, but now fear maybe that was as good as it would get. How do I know it was the marriage that was making me unhappy and not just me?!
I wish there was a way I could see into the future. I wish I could see possible outcomes to various options and choose the one that works out the best. But, that is not the way life works. I know that I have to live with the decision that I have made as too much has been said and done, that there is no way to turn back. I am just so scared and feel so alone right now.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Getting better
I think things are slowly starting to get better. Terry is completely moved out of the house and last night I put new locks on the doors. I am not really worried about him coming into the house, but at least now, I know that NO ONE else has a copy of my house keys but me. When we moved here, we never changed the locks so in theory someone else could have a copy of the key somewhere.
We had a few BAD days last week, but I got through those. It's weird being here by myself. Well, I have Zeus, but he isn't the best conversationalist. My weekend self care class has been nice as we are learning about stress and how to cope with it and it has taken my mind off of the reality of my life. It's nice to be at school as it causes me to forget about the chaos that surrounds me.
I am still not sure what is going on with the house. I don't want a foreclosure. I am going to call the bank tomorrow and see about getting an adjustment on my mortgage. If they can reduce the mortgage some and I can get a roommate(s), then maybe I won't be able to loose the house. If not, then I am thinking about doing a short sale. The only thing is: Terry said he won't sign off on anything. He just wants to take the foreclosure. So, it may just be time to get a lawyer if he doesn't agree to something.
Besides all that, things are going ok. I am having issues focusing on school in general and am lucky that I have easy classes this quarter. Hopefully by the time I get hard classes again, all of this will be behind me and I will be able to focus better. I am trying to figure out a better schedule for school, volunteering and working out. I know that I need to start hitting the gym again or at least walking again. It will help me all around. I am making some friends at school which is nice as I know that I need some. Terry got most of the friends in the divorce and considering I worked from home for the first 2 years of living here, haven't really made any until now. At least I am getting some now. My family has also been very supportive.
So, until next time, that is all. I need to finish some homework now. I will try to write more often as I think that journaling is a good way for me to express myself and cope with what is going on around me.
We had a few BAD days last week, but I got through those. It's weird being here by myself. Well, I have Zeus, but he isn't the best conversationalist. My weekend self care class has been nice as we are learning about stress and how to cope with it and it has taken my mind off of the reality of my life. It's nice to be at school as it causes me to forget about the chaos that surrounds me.
I am still not sure what is going on with the house. I don't want a foreclosure. I am going to call the bank tomorrow and see about getting an adjustment on my mortgage. If they can reduce the mortgage some and I can get a roommate(s), then maybe I won't be able to loose the house. If not, then I am thinking about doing a short sale. The only thing is: Terry said he won't sign off on anything. He just wants to take the foreclosure. So, it may just be time to get a lawyer if he doesn't agree to something.
Besides all that, things are going ok. I am having issues focusing on school in general and am lucky that I have easy classes this quarter. Hopefully by the time I get hard classes again, all of this will be behind me and I will be able to focus better. I am trying to figure out a better schedule for school, volunteering and working out. I know that I need to start hitting the gym again or at least walking again. It will help me all around. I am making some friends at school which is nice as I know that I need some. Terry got most of the friends in the divorce and considering I worked from home for the first 2 years of living here, haven't really made any until now. At least I am getting some now. My family has also been very supportive.
So, until next time, that is all. I need to finish some homework now. I will try to write more often as I think that journaling is a good way for me to express myself and cope with what is going on around me.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Rollercoaster
It seems like my emotions are on a roller coaster ride these last few days. Things will be going great and I will be happy, then the next moment, it feels like the ground has dropped out from beneath me. It's really hard... I wish things would level out and this ride would be over, but I don't see that happening for at least another few months. The hard thing about what I am dealing with now is that I don't know if the ride will end, when it will end and at what elevation. I hope in the long run things end on a high note, but the future is uncertain. My biggest fear is that I will live in misery forever. I got on this ride to get out of living a life of unhappiness and would if where this chaos ends is in a worse position than when I started... I don't know if I can live like that...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Confusion
It seems like I can't concentrate on anything these days. This must be how people with ADD or ADHD feel all the time. I will be trying to do a simple task and suddenly my mind just starts to wonder. It's even worse when I am trying to do homework and halfway through a paragraph I am reading I will realize I have no clue what the chapter is about. I really hope that my grades don't suffer. At least I have some easy classes this quarter, only one will really needs my focus when to get the work done. There is just so much on my mind all the time, that it does make it hard to prioritize my thoughts and keep the little things that don't matter out.
Last night, I went out with some girls from school. It was nice to relax with the ladies and have a couple drinks. I think it's important that I try and make friends right now since I know I need the support and Terry got all our church friends and the 4-wheel drive club. Besides school, the only friends I really have now live a few states away. And when you really need someone, I am finding it's hard when there is really no one to turn too. At least I still have the support of my parents and know that I could turn to them at any time of the day and they would be there.
We started talking about who gets what. It's weird. I don't know what I want to keep and what I am willing to let go. I guess I will just have to see how this all plays out. Right now, I am still living in the house and he says he will be moving out sometime towards the end of the month to a place closer to his work. We will end up walking away from the house, which sucks, but there is NO way I can afford the mortgage payment and with the market, we owe more than it's worth. I will try to contact the mortgage company in May to find out my options and hopefully get a little apartment before the foreclosure hits my credit. This is all happening so fast...
Last night, I went out with some girls from school. It was nice to relax with the ladies and have a couple drinks. I think it's important that I try and make friends right now since I know I need the support and Terry got all our church friends and the 4-wheel drive club. Besides school, the only friends I really have now live a few states away. And when you really need someone, I am finding it's hard when there is really no one to turn too. At least I still have the support of my parents and know that I could turn to them at any time of the day and they would be there.
We started talking about who gets what. It's weird. I don't know what I want to keep and what I am willing to let go. I guess I will just have to see how this all plays out. Right now, I am still living in the house and he says he will be moving out sometime towards the end of the month to a place closer to his work. We will end up walking away from the house, which sucks, but there is NO way I can afford the mortgage payment and with the market, we owe more than it's worth. I will try to contact the mortgage company in May to find out my options and hopefully get a little apartment before the foreclosure hits my credit. This is all happening so fast...
Friday, April 9, 2010
Signatures
Today was the point of no return....we signed the papers that will be headed to the courthouse and will one day end our marriage. Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling. Part of me is sad, but I am not crying. Part of me is happy, but I am not smiling. I have so many conflicting emotions, that I really don't know what I am feeling.
I know a few days ago I became upset and started to cry about something that happened. My friend then asked what it was specifically that was making me sad. I started to think and couldn't pinpoint where the sad emotion was coming from. I think that I have carried my emotions on my sleeve for too long and I know that caused issues in my marriage that is now coming to an end. Maybe one way to improve any future relationship is going to be more aware of how I express my emotions and ensuring that my emotions are exposed only when I know why I am feeling that way. For example, Terry used to get mad at me for crying. I think that if I was able to control that facet of my life, things would have been slightly better for us. My crying would make him mad and his anger would make me more upset. It was a perpetual cycle of unhappiness for both of us. Right now, I just like the idea of trying to determine the exact issue that is causing me to feel a certain way and then decide the best way to deal with this issue.
I don't know what the future holds for me and that is scary. I can only live one day at a time now and trust that things will turn out well. At least my parents are very supportive and I know I can run to them if the world around me does come crumbling down. Right now, I am doing some apartment shopping and trying to figure out my budget. It's hard thinking that I am going to be alone again. Terry won all our friends in the divorce. At least I have some friends at school and Zeus. I suppose when I am in my own apartment, or if Terry moves out of the house, I will still have the dog to keep me company (and I always thought I would die alone with a lot of cats).
I know a few days ago I became upset and started to cry about something that happened. My friend then asked what it was specifically that was making me sad. I started to think and couldn't pinpoint where the sad emotion was coming from. I think that I have carried my emotions on my sleeve for too long and I know that caused issues in my marriage that is now coming to an end. Maybe one way to improve any future relationship is going to be more aware of how I express my emotions and ensuring that my emotions are exposed only when I know why I am feeling that way. For example, Terry used to get mad at me for crying. I think that if I was able to control that facet of my life, things would have been slightly better for us. My crying would make him mad and his anger would make me more upset. It was a perpetual cycle of unhappiness for both of us. Right now, I just like the idea of trying to determine the exact issue that is causing me to feel a certain way and then decide the best way to deal with this issue.
I don't know what the future holds for me and that is scary. I can only live one day at a time now and trust that things will turn out well. At least my parents are very supportive and I know I can run to them if the world around me does come crumbling down. Right now, I am doing some apartment shopping and trying to figure out my budget. It's hard thinking that I am going to be alone again. Terry won all our friends in the divorce. At least I have some friends at school and Zeus. I suppose when I am in my own apartment, or if Terry moves out of the house, I will still have the dog to keep me company (and I always thought I would die alone with a lot of cats).
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April 1, 2010
How can I believe that anyone loves me if I don't even love myself? I hate myself so much right now and don't know why I have made the decisions that I have. I have hurt so many people and seem to continue to hurt them. I am in so much pain and have so much self hatred right now that I can barely handle it. I don't know what to do or how I am going to get through this. I know that time will heal, but I don't know if I have that much time left.
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