Signatures

Today was the point of no return....we signed the papers that will be headed to the courthouse and will one day end our marriage.  Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling.  Part of me is sad, but I am not crying.  Part of me is happy, but I am not smiling.  I have so many conflicting emotions, that I really don't know what I am feeling.

I know a few days ago I became upset and started to cry about something that happened.  My friend then asked what it was specifically that was making me sad.  I started to think and couldn't pinpoint where the sad emotion was coming from.  I think that I have carried my emotions on my sleeve for too long and I know that caused issues in my marriage that is now coming to an end.  Maybe one way to improve any future relationship is going to be more aware of how I express my emotions and ensuring that my emotions are exposed only when I know why I am feeling that way.  For example, Terry used to get mad at me for crying.  I think that if I was able to control that facet of my life, things would have been slightly better for us.  My crying would make him mad and his anger would make me more upset.  It was a perpetual cycle of unhappiness for both of us.  Right now, I just like the idea of trying to determine the exact issue that is causing me to feel a certain way and then decide the best way to deal with this issue.

I don't know what the future holds for me and that is scary.  I can only live one day at a time now and trust that things will turn out well.  At least my parents are very supportive and I know I can run to them if the world around me does come crumbling down.  Right now, I am doing some apartment shopping and trying to figure out my budget.  It's hard thinking that I am going to be alone again.  Terry won all our friends in the divorce.  At least I have some friends at school and Zeus.  I suppose when I am in my own apartment, or if Terry moves out of the house, I will still have the dog to keep me company (and I always thought I would die alone with a lot of cats).