Book Smart

I have always been books smart.  I am not trying to brag, but school has always come easy for me and I feel like I have a fair amount of "common" sense (which really isn't too common anymore these days).  I have never had a problem of being taught a new idea or concept and then not being able to remember it for a test. I test well.  Anyways, let me get to my point, even though I feel I am decently book smart, I don't think I am "me" smart.

I guess it's hard to explain but does make total sense in my head.  Right now, I know what I need to do.  I know that my total lack of self-esteem severely affects my everyday life and relationships.  From getting out of bed in the morning (versus laying in it all day) to understanding why anyone would want to hang out or be seen with me (which is a irrational feeling since I do have some great friends), I know that the fact I hate myself causes issues in my life.  I know that I need to learn to love myself.  But how do you do this?

It's not like I can go to the library or bookstore and find a text book next to the calculus and biology books that will teach me how to love myself.  It's not something that I can easily learn, but I know that it is something I need to learn in order to move on with a happy life.  My mom says, "everyone deserves to be happy" and I know in the long run I won't ever be able to be truly happy until I can look in the mirror and not cringe at the person looking back at me.

Since my divorce, I am trying to find out what makes me happy.  My whole life I have put walls up and haven't let many people see the real me.  Most people look at me and would assume that I don't suffer from a lack of self-esteem.  I put on a mask at school and when I go out so people won't see the pain in my eyes.  For so long I tried to be someone else.  Instead of being me, I was my husband's wife.  Now, I need to learn to be me and do things that make me happy....but, this all goes back to the fact that I can't be truly happy until I can learn to love myself.

Step one in my new life has to be learning to love myself.  And, I really need help to do this.  I know it's not something that will happen overnight, but right now, I don't even know where to start.  I know for the time being, I want to do little things like eat healthier and workout a little more.  I also enjoy reading, but know this activity isolates me from the world.  I am not sure that the best way to deal with self-hatred is by spending all my free time alone when I escape into the world of my books.  I guess I need to give this more thought....My first goal will be to love myself.  I will try to figure out a plan of attack on how to accomplish this goal and then try to do my homework everyday and hopefully, eventually, I will be able to learn love.